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If you’re someone who spends way too much time and energy agonizing over making decisions in your life, please know that you’re not alone. I’m making this post for me as much as I am for you because this topic is top of mind for me right now. Even at the age of almost 54, I still struggle with decision paralysis, from what to have for dinner to whether we should leave Austin and move back to California.
Large or small, I find myself spending so much time trying to make decisions that I often end up in a state of mental exhaustion. If you can spend hours creating pros and cons lists, seeking advice from everyone else, and still feel paralyzed by fear of making the wrong choice, then read on. I hope these ideas and tools will help you as much as they’ve helped me.
ADHD, Self-Trust and Decision Paralysis
If you’ve grown up living the ADHD experience, then you might not trust yourself to start things and follow through with them. You might not trust your judgment or your impulsivity. You might even feel like you have a track record of bad decisions and bad consequences, and it probably feels like everyone else likes to remind you of them.
This state of self-doubt might have led you to a point in adulthood where you feel paralyzed every time you’re faced with a decision. It feels insurmountable, and you might feel like you don’t have the capacity to forgive yourself if you make another wrong choice. If any of this resonates with you, stay with me as we unpack this.
Make the Decision Right
Here’s a profound line that stuck with me from an interview with Dr. Ellen Langer, author of the book, The Mindful Body. She said, “Rather than waste your time being stressed over making the right decision, make the decision right.”
Here’s the thing – if we know that life is nuanced and there’s no such thing as the right or wrong decision, why would we spend so much time, anguish, and energy trying to make the right decision when a right decision doesn’t exist?
You might be thinking – yes, but I ALWAYS make the wrong choice. But I would question that line of thinking. You have no way of knowing that your decisions are poor ones. We typically make the best decision we can with the information we have in the moment. However, if we’re feeling emotionally disregulated or inattentive in the moment, we may not see all our options clearly.
Trusting Yourself to Make Decisions
The fundamental truth is that the best person to make decisions for us is ourselves. No one else has the view of our lived experience, our trauma, our wins, the things we love, the things we hate. Yet, for some reason, we feel more comfortable deferring our decisions to someone else.
So how do we get to a point where we start trusting ourselves to make the right decision? It starts with slowing down, and being intentional.
Mindful Decision-Making: A Tool for ADHD Decision Making
One tool I’ve found helpful is to practice mindfulness and intentionality when making decisions. I do believe that what comes from within us is always in alignment with our highest good. But our minds, our egos, whatever you want to call what’s up in our heads, have very strong opinions about how we should live our lives. This often results in an overthought cycle that gets us nowhere.
I can’t think of a better tool than journaling to help navigate through this. Ask yourself what’s most important in this season of life, and what are you optimizing for? You can also start digging into why your heart wants one decision and your mind wants another.
Typically your mind hesitates because of past mistakes, trauma and fear. But the heart knows what’s best for you. So if you can take what’s in your heart, and find a safe way forward that doesn’t make your mind freak out, then you can take a step towards a decision and build your self-trust muscle.
Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself
Another benefit of slowing down and being more intentional in your decision making, is that it gives you the opportunity to check in with your current state. Are you feeling emotionally disregulated? Are you tired? Hungry? Sad? Angry? When our state is out of balance, we tend to make rash decisions. But if we can clue into this before committing to a choice, we can pause, and see if we need more time, a nap or a good meal before we choose something we might later regret.
Final Thoughts…
Navigating ADHD decision making can be a struggle, but if you can remain mindful of what’s in your heart and questioning why your mind may be resisting, you can start to build a bridge towards more confident and peaceful decision-making. Remember, it’s not about making the right decision but making the decision right.
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