The Reason Your ADHD Brain Never Feels “Good Enough” (And How to Fix It)

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Have you ever noticed how we ADHDers can be simultaneously ambitious and paralyzed by perfectionism? Recently, I picked up “The Gap and the Gain” by Ben Hardy and Dan Sullivan, and even though I’m only halfway through, it’s completely transformed how I think about progress and success with my ADHD brain.

Here’s the wild part: it’s not even an ADHD book. But if there was required reading for those of us struggling with perfectionism, fear of starting, and rejection sensitive dysphoria, this would be it.

The Perfectionism Trap

Let’s be real: as ADHDers, we’re often our own worst critics. We hyperfocus on what we haven’t accomplished instead of acknowledging how far we’ve come. Sound familiar?

Imagine this: You’re fresh out of college with dreams of building your own business. Your ideal is someone like Richard Branson. So you start your entrepreneurial journey, try, fail, try again, fail again. And what do you focus on? The fact that you’re not yet Richard Branson. The fact that you’re “getting nowhere.”

Key Takeaway: The problem with this excessive focus on the gap – the distance between where we are and where we think we should be – is threefold:

1. It undermines our confidence
2. It blinds us to our actual progress
3. It can have serious psychological consequences

The Dark Side of Achievement

Here’s something that stopped me in my tracks: The book discusses research on teen suicide, revealing that many victims were high achievers. These young people were so focused on the gap between their current selves and their ideals that they felt they could never win, despite working incredibly hard.

As someone with ADHD, this hit home. How many times have we felt like we’re working twice as hard as everyone else but still not measuring up?

Stop Chasing the Horizon

Here’s the thing about ideals – they’re like the horizon. The closer you get, the further they move away. Think about it: once we make our first $10,000, we want to make $100,000. Then a million. Then ten million.

Key Takeaway: The goalpost of our idealized self is always moving. That’s not a bug – it’s a feature of growth. But when we over-index on how we’re not meeting that ideal, we create havoc in our lives.

The Solution: Measure Backward, Not Forward

Instead of measuring the gap between where you are and your ideal (which, remember, is always moving), try measuring backward. Look at how far you’ve come.

Speaking from experience – I’ve had five failed businesses before my current success. In the moment, each failure felt devastating. But now? I can see that this current success wouldn’t have been possible without those failures.

A Practical Tool: Redefining Success over Perfectionistic Thinking

Here’s how I’ve started redefining success in a way that works with my ADHD brain. Instead of external metrics, I focus on states of being. Here’s my personal success list:

I am being successful when:

• I’m doing what I want, where I want, and when I want
• I have few or no obligations on my calendar
• I have enough financial resources to support myself without working
• I’m acting from authentic desire rather than obligation
• I’m 100% being myself
• I’m surrounding myself with people I love and admire
• I’m prioritizing self-care and well-being
• I’m learning or growing in a new way

Putting ADHD Perfectionism in it’s Place

I’ve actually incorporated this list into my weekly planner. While I don’t use it for every decision, it’s an invaluable reference when I’m stuck. It helps me make choices aligned with my version of success, not someone else’s.

Key Takeaway: Success isn’t about hitting arbitrary external benchmarks – it’s about alignment with your values and consistent progress in your chosen direction.

The ADHD-Friendly Bottom Line

If you’re constantly focused on what you haven’t achieved yet, try turning around. Look at where you started. Look at the skills you’ve developed, the insights you’ve gained, the resilience you’ve built.

Remember: Every “failure” or “false start” has actually been preparing you for what’s next. You weren’t ready before – and that’s okay. The question isn’t “Why haven’t I reached my ideal self yet?” but rather “What’s the next step that will help me grow?”

Because at the end of the day, success isn’t about reaching some mythical destination. It’s about who you become along the way.