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Hello, everyone! I often find myself nudged by intuition to share an idea, because someone out there needs to hear it. This blog post is one of those instances. It’s shared from a place of absolute knowing and compassion, because this has been my experience for most of my life. And I feel it’s time we had a heart-to-heart about a pattern too many of us are guilty of: waiting to fail.
The Thing You’re Not Doing
Let’s start with a question. You know that thing you’ve been wanting to do but you haven’t done it because you’re not sure you can pull it off? You know, that thing. If you’re nodding your head right now, then I need you to hear what I’m about to say with the most love and compassion that I can possibly offer.
If you have a dream, a goal, a desire that you’ve been putting off indefinitely, you might as well give up right now. Sounds harsh, I know, but stick with me. The motivation to get started, the assurance that it will all work out and the clarity of what step to take next isn’t coming. You will always be in this state of procrastination. Why? Because your only other options are to do the thing, quit intentionally, or wait to fail.
The Dangers of Waiting to Fail
Waiting to fail builds a destructive pattern where self-doubt starts to drive your entire life. It’s like a muscle that builds strength the more you feed it with inaction. Imagine a life where you’re too scared to try anything. What would that mean for you? For your kids? It keeps everything very small. And while that might feel safe, it’s a false sense of safety because it doesn’t protect you from life’s curveballs.
So, why do we wait to fail? Why do we start things and then drop them when they get complicated or hard? Why do we say we’re going to do the thing, buy all the stuff to do the thing, but never actually do the thing?
The Underlying Fear
Is it fear of failure, fear of judgement, fear of losing everything? Maybe. But rarely are those fears founded because at the end of the day, we all know nobody really cares what you’re doing. They’re all focused on themselves. And rarely do we desire anything so potentially destructive that we would lose everything in the process.
What I find for most of my clients, and in myself, is that deep down, we hold a belief that we can’t have what it is we want. And no matter how much we say we want it or feel a desire to have it, we don’t truly think it will happen for us, so we don’t let ourselves even try to have it.
The Conflicting Beliefs
Let’s say, you’re a lawyer or an investment banker, but you want to leave your current career to open a bakery. When I ask you, how badly do you want to do that? You say, “omg, I want to do it SO badly. Baking is my passion and creating a fun, beautiful space has always been on my heart. I want it more than anything.”
That sounds great! I say. So, will you do it? And then you pause, you shift in your seat, you say “I don’t know”. After some probing, we uncover other beliefs that conflict with your belief about your dream bakery. Beliefs like, it would be crazy to give up a lucrative career for something so risky. You don’t know if you’ll be any good at it or if it will succeed. And somewhere deep in the back of your head and your heart, you’re not sure you could pull it off.
The Reticular Activating System
Meanwhile, your reticular activating system (RAS), which is the gateway of information to the brain, only takes in your strongest held emotions. And of those two beliefs, 1) believing that you really want it and 2) believing that you can’t really have it, which one do you think is the stronger belief?
If you guessed #2, you’re right. Your brain is much more committed to keeping us safe than keeping us happy, so the emotional weight of #2 will always outweigh your passion or desire.
The Power of Belief
So when you believe that you’re not going to achieve your dream, no matter what the reason behind it is, your brain will pick up everything that supports that idea. Your recticular activating system is literally scouring your existence, looking for evidence that your strongest/worst belief is real.
My Personal Journey
Back in 2007, I started a blog. I loved this thing. I wanted so badly to make this my career at the time, but it wasn’t really a thing back then. So I ended up shifting through various different careers (because, #ADHD), all while keeping a blog on the side. I tried to grow, but I never really got much traction. I’d stop and start, get frustrated and shut it down, only to fire it up again weeks later.
Fast forward to today. I still have my blog and I also have another blog that’s strictly dedicated to my ADHD coaching work. Today I work as an entrepreneur full-time and blogging is a piece of my revenue. I wouldn’t call myself a blogger, but it is something that I do.
The Actions that Made All the Difference
The reason I’m a success now, but I wasn’t then, came down to one very simple difference. Back then, I held a conflicting belief that it probably would never happen for me, and that belief sabotaged me again and again.
I’d love to tell you there’s a quick and easy way to change this belief pattern, but it takes time. It requires taking action on things and then acknowledging that you did it (regardless of outcome). Overtime, this will help you change that internal narrative that’s holding you back.
It’s also helpful to be aware of your character strengths as this will inform how you show up as your best and increase your chances of success.
Finally, and perhaps one of the most important changes I made was starting to go after only the things that really meant something to me. When we focus our efforts on meaningful goals, it doesn’t really matter what the outcome is, because the reward is in pursuit. Ironically, when we take the pressure off ourselves to achieve a certain outcome and just commit to the process, that’s when we tend to really shine (and succeed!).
It’s time to stop expecting failure.
Can you see how holding such a strong, conflicting belief is always going to hold you back from any amount of real progress? Your recticular activating system is literally scouring your existence, looking for evidence that your strongest/worst belief is real.
So, do some deep reflection. Identify what your negative belief is. Ask yourself how things would be different if you didn’t have that belief. Would you be able to channel your energy and focus in a more productive direction if your belief was aligned to success? Are you willing to let it go?
Remember, sometimes even using different language can be a powerful shifter. Instead of talking about your goals and dreams as “maybe, or hopefully”, you can use words like, I am, or I intend. The brain hears your words so choose them with care. If you absolutely can’t unlodge your beliefs on your own, consider coaching or therapy to help you get unstuck.
In the end, don’t wait to fail. Take action, or intentionally quit. Either way, you’re moving forward.
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