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Have you ever opened up about your ADHD, only to have someone—maybe a friend, family member, or even a doctor—deny your experience? Maybe they’ve said something like, “But you’re so organized!” or “You did great in school. You can’t possibly have ADHD.” If you’ve ever been met with skepticism or outright denial after sharing your diagnosis, I see you. You’re not alone.
Today, we’re talking about why people struggle to believe you have ADHD, how that hurts, and what we can do about it.
Why People Think You “Don’t Look Like” You Have ADHD
Let’s call it out: nothing feels more invalidating than being denied your own life experience. Since I started openly talking about my ADHD, I can’t tell you how many messages I’ve gotten from adults who have been dismissed, minimized, or outright told they “can’t possibly” have ADHD. Over and over, it’s the same:
- “But you’ve got a degree.”
- “You hold down a job.”
- “Your place isn’t a disaster.”
- “You don’t seem scattered.”
Usually, these comments come from family, friends, partners, and—yep—even doctors and therapists.
“There is nothing more invalidating than someone denying you your own life experience.”
The Myth: ADHD Has One “Look”
One of the biggest reasons people deny an ADHD diagnosis is because they’re stuck on a single image. Most folks think ADHD = a fidgety 12-year-old boy who can’t sit still or focus. If you’re not bouncing off the walls, you must not have it, right?
Wrong.
ADHD comes in all shapes, sizes, and mindsets. Women and girls are especially overlooked, because we’ve been taught (from a very young age) to mask our struggles—and to “be quiet” and “behave.”
How ADHD “looks” on the outside rarely matches what’s happening inside. People can’t see your brain wiring, your struggle to focus, or the systems you’ve developed just to keep things running. If you look “put together,” folks often assume there’s nothing going on beneath the surface.
Why Even Professionals Sometimes Get It Wrong
Personally, I’ve been on the receiving end of disbelief—even from medical professionals who should know better. Take my own experience:
I have a formal diagnosis from a psychologist who specializes in neurodiversity. My assessment took months and involved:
- Self and family questionnaires
- Cognitive, spatial, and memory tests
- Interviews
- Input from my husband and other family members
But I still encounter doctors—even a radiologist friend—who don’t believe I actually have ADHD. All because I “don’t seem like the type.”
What’s Going On?
- Outdated Training and Stereotypes: Many doctors weren’t trained on what ADHD really is, especially in adults or women.
- Silent Struggles: Unless your challenges are hyper-visible (think: a seriously messy house, or clear trouble with personal hygiene), people assume you’re “fine.”
- Surface Judgments: Intelligence, education, and good grooming are not barriers to ADHD. But for many, those signs scream “functioning adult,” so you can’t possibly be neurodivergent.
Please, please, please: Never settle for a quick, surface-level dismissal from a professional. If someone won’t even listen to your experience, seek out someone who will.
The Hidden Side of ADHD: Masking and Compensating
Here’s a secret a lot of us live with: most of our mental energy goes into hiding our struggles. We’re experts at masking.
Why? Because:
- We got the message that our “too much-ness” wasn’t acceptable.
- We feel like a burden if we talk about how hard things really are.
- We think, “If nobody can see it, it must not be real.”
Growing up, especially as a girl, I was told not to be “too much”—to be quiet, behave, stay small. Those messages never really stop. As I moved into adulthood, I learned to really hide the chaos beneath the surface.
What Masking Looks Like
From the outside, people see:
- Articulate conversation and coherent thoughts
What they don’t see:
- My 90 minutes of takes for every 12-minute video, thanks to constant repeating, forgetting, and tongue-twisting
- The brain fog, the missed appointments, and the impulsive choices I regret
- How much energy it takes just to “pass” for a regular adult
Personal Anecdote
Let me get real for a second. The place where I’ve experienced the most disbelief is—ironically—publicly, as an ADHD coach. I record videos in a tidy office, post articulate advice, and—if you just look at the screen—you’d never know I was struggling.
But here’s the thing: For every video that might look “effortless,” I mess up my words, forget what I was saying, or lose my train of thought countless times. My real ADHD symptoms are working overtime behind the curtain—but you never see that online.
How ADHD Actually Shows Up: My Diagnosis Revealed
I want to show you—visually—how my ADHD presents. Here’s a quick look at my diagnosis process:
The Assessment
- Lasted about three months
- Included input from my family and partner
- Involved tasks like redrawing complex objects, memorizing number sequences, and more
- Tested everything: from working memory and spatial awareness, to mood, impulsivity, and even Myers-Briggs type
My Results: The ADHD Radar Chart
I took my official diagnostic report and entered the results into ChatGPT to create a simple chart mapping my strengths and weaknesses.
Here’s how to read it:
- The closer a point is to the center, the bigger my struggle is in that area.
- The further out it is, the stronger my skills are.
Where I Thrive
- Verbal Memory
- Vocabulary & Word Knowledge
- Verbal Fluency
Not a huge surprise, since I’ve always loved communicating. It’s literally why I do what I do!
Where I Struggle
- Mood & Emotional Regulation
- Impulse Control
- Executive Function (planning, organizing, shifting tasks)
- Sustained Attention & Focus
- Processing Speed
Working memory? About average, despite feeling like I forget just about everything.
Most people would never guess I struggle with these things—because I’m so good at masking it.
The “Improvement Trap”: You Can Get Better…But The Struggles Are Real
It’s been about four years since my diagnosis, and honestly, I’d expect my results to look different if I got tested again today.
Why? Because I’ve given my all to improving the stuff that used to derail me—especially planning and organizing. That’s not because it came easy. Actually, it’s the opposite. I had to make it interesting through:
- Public accountability (like sharing my systems on YouTube)
- Building out new routines
- Watching endless planning videos online
- Letting myself try/fail/adjust repeatedly
If you see me talk about planners, calendars, or my systems, trust me—it’s not because I love being organized (I don’t). I needed to teach myself those skills because they were gaping holes, not natural gifts.
The Tupperware Drawer Test
Let’s keep it real: If you opened my Tupperware drawer, you’d see chaos! Progress is real, but perfection isn’t the goal.
“Just because you have ADHD doesn’t mean your problems are always going to be your problems.”
Successful On The Outside, Still Struggling On The Inside
Let’s really drive this point home: I have coached people at the very top of their fields—Harvard MBAs, lawyers, doctors, and more. Every single one of them “looks” successful. From the outside, you’d never guess they were wrestling with ADHD every day.
ADHD has nothing to do with how smart you are, how many degrees you have, or how clean your living room is. It means your symptoms or challenges may be totally invisible. You might be the best in the world at hiding them, or you’ve built systems that work for you. Or maybe, you just have a different set of issues.
Masking is Exhausting
Most people won’t see the emotional energy it takes to mask. They won’t understand the anxiety, the second-guessing, the mental fatigue.
But you know. And that matters more than the opinions of anyone who judges from the surface.
What Should We Do When Faced With Disbelief?
Honestly, we can’t force everyone to understand. Some people will never get it, and that’s on them—not you.
Here’s what I do recommend:
1. Hold On to Your Truth
If you have a diagnosis, trust it. If you know you’re struggling, honor that experience—even if no one else does.
2. Educate…But Don’t Argue
If someone comes from a place of curiosity, share your story. If they’re just dismissive: save your energy. As I often say:
“You can’t argue with ignorance.”
3. Find (or Build) Your Community
Surround yourself with people who do get it. Find an ADHD coach (I know a good one!), join a support group, or just talk honestly with people you can trust.
4. Remember: Skills Can Be Built
You’re not broken. Executive function, planning, and organization are skills. You can develop and strengthen them over time. You just might need to do it a little differently than others.
5. Respond with Compassion
If someone opens up to you about their mental health or their neurodivergence, the least we can do as a society is simply say:
“Wow, I didn’t realize you were struggling. Do you want to share more about your experience?”
That’s it. No judgment, no discussion, just listening.
Final Thoughts: ADHD is Real—Even If No One Sees It
If you’ve ever felt erased, dismissed, or “too functional” to have ADHD, I hope you see yourself in my story. Your struggles are real, whether or not anyone else notices them. You don’t need permission to own your experience. And you definitely don’t need to hide who you are.
If you want to share this post (or the original video) with someone who doesn’t understand, please do. And if you need a place to vent, find your people, or just feel valid, you have a seat at this table—messy Tupperware drawers and all.
Actionable Takeaway
Next time someone doubts your ADHD, try this script:
“Actually, ADHD shows up very differently in adults—especially women. My diagnosis is valid, and my experience is real, even if you can’t see it.”
And remember: You’re not alone, you’re not broken, and you absolutely deserve to own your story.
See you next time!
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